Silent Flutter (The Butterfly Series) Read online

  "You could come stay at my place downtown for the rest of the week and your bill will be even lower. It’s only an hour away from your crappy apartment." He wiggled His eyebrows grasping at straws.

  "As tempting as that sounds, I can't. I really do need to get back. I like to get my bearings and relax for a few days before starting a new semester. I also want to get to the bookstore before everyone else gets on campus." I jutted my bottom lip out as far as it would go and he took it gently between His teeth before devouring it whole. "Mmmm," I moaned. "I will miss having your lips around, too."

  "So..." He started to say something and then stopped.

  "What? What were you going to say?" I asked curious.

  "So, what does this all mean, Q? What are we doing here?"

  I took a deep breath. I knew this was coming but I didn't know it would be today; this moment.Quinn, be careful, Inner-me warned.Don't jump into anything too serious too soon. Give your heart a chance to mend first.

  He stared into my eyes, waiting patiently for my reply. Or maybe He was searching them for my answer. "This is..." I started to say. "This was amazing. You are amazing."

  "But," He interjected.

  "No. There's no but. Just, we should take it slow. We've known each other as friends, best friends, for years now and I think we should take our time getting to know each other as more."

  "But I do know you, Quinn. I know you better than anyone. And you know me. I've wanted to have more and be more with you for so long now. I've seen you heartbroken time and time again by assholes who thought they knew you, but they didn't. I know you!" He said again. "These past two nights have been perfect, and you're perfect. We could be perfect. I've always had this overwhelming feeling of protection over you when it comes to guys and now I know why. It's because you're supposed to be with me."

  "And I know you, too. And, yes last night and New Years were perfect, but I also know that things don't stay perfect forever. If I've learned anything from all of the assholes and bastards it’s that. And if anything bad ever happened between us and it ruined our friendship I would be lost. Devastated." Good girl, be reasonable.

  "Nothing will ever change the fact that you're my best friend. And I would never do anything to hurt you, Q." I started to speak but He cut me off. “I know you're thinking and what you were going to say: that every guy you've ever fallen for has said that, but I'm not every guy. No, not every guy, I thought. "I'm me, and I love you, Quinn."

  It felt like the wind was knocked out of me. It was one thing to read the "I love you" in a Christmas card, but it was something entirely different to hear it out loud and in this intense context. He placed His hands in my hair and kissed me before I had a chance to regain my balance or say anything back. I was grateful, too, because I had no clue what I would’ve said. My head was swimming with a hundred different emotions, but I wasn't sure if any of them were love. At least, maybe not the kind He was talking about. Or maybe it was.

  "I want to be with you, I want this to work," I said when He released me. “I just want to make sure that it’s..." I trailed off trying to find the correct words. “I want to make sure that its right. That we're right."

  I thought He was going to feel hurt or maybe even rejected though that's the last thing I was trying to do. I wasn't rejecting Him. But He didn't look hurt at all. He was smiling. Grinning from ear to ear. "I'll prove it to you."

  My crappy apartment was exactly as I had left it twenty-one days ago, only now it smelled musty from the lack of air circulation and a hideous odor was filtering into the entry way from the kitchen. I wasn't feeling brave enough to wage war with the moldy life forms in my fridge so I decided to head down the short hallway to my bedroom to unpack and unwind. Christmas Break and the past two days had left me both physically and emotionally drained.

  I thought that being back in the comfort of my things and my personal, familiar surroundings would ease my rapid thoughts about Him and the “I Love You”, but it only made them even more erratic, and looking at the rumpled, lavender sheets on my bed from where I left it unmade only made me relive the past year on fast forward all over again. In those sheets is where I lied awake on countless, sleepless nights thinking about Judd. In those sheets is where I tossed and turned during amazing naughty dreams about Judd. In that bed is where I would lay awake texting him about Our Hallway and recounting my naughty dreams for him when he would ask for every erotic detail. And in those sheets is where I last spoke to him on the phone after Dead Day when it all officially ended. Not that anything had ever really began.

  With a wave of determination to put Judd behind me for good, I ripped the sheets from my bed and threw them into a crumpled pile in the corner and then plopped down on the bare mattress. I sat staring at them for a moment and then decided to toss them in the washing machine with the few other items left behind in my hamper. Once the cycle began, I returned to my bedroom to plug my cell into the charger behind my nightstand when I noticed the green indicator light blinking on top.

  One unread text message. I just wanted to make sure you made it back ok. I'm sure you're relaxing on your balcony already, preparing to kick another semester's ass :)

  An instant smile formed on my lips when I read the text from Him. My balcony sounded like the perfect place to be, away from my room and unsolicited memories. I grabbed my pack and lighter from my purse and made my way onto the rickety platform for a much-needed nicotine break. I was just about to sit in the orange folding chair near the railing when my breath caught and my stomach fell to my feet.

  "Hi, Sweetheart," He called from the sidewalk below.

  "Oh my gosh! Hi! I said, holding to the metal bars in front of me for balance. "How? What?" My words were caught in the tangle of fluttering wings. "What are you doing here?" I eventually choked out.

  "Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show. That is...if you'll have me up?" He motioned towards me with a nod of His head.

  "Oh. Right. Yes! Yes, of course, come up," I waved my hand towards the stairs to my right that led to my apartment on the second floor. I met Him inside at the door and He immediately swept me up into His arms and kissed my lips fervently as if it had been weeks rather than hours since we last touched. Then He set me down and pulled back with a twisted look on His face. "You weren't kidding about things growing in your fridge, huh?" He laughed. "That's pretty bad, Q."

  "I know. I know. It's wretched, but I'm too afraid to tackle it just yet," I admitted embarrassed.

  "I'll clean it out for you. I'm not afraid of a little mold," He exclaimed, puffing out His chest in mock confidence.

  Once we finished throwing out and washing the entire contents of my fridge, I led him over to the black leather couch in my tiny living room. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but what are you doing here? And how did you know that I would go out to my balcony when you texted me?" I asked.

  "Like I said, Quinn, I know you. And I just couldn't stand the thought of being only an hour away from you, with no school commitments, wanting to hold you in my arms, and not being able to. It's like these past two days were just a dream, a tease, and I just needed more time with you."

  “Well then more time you’ll get,” I replied and cuddled up into His arms on the couch.

  That night I took Him to dinner at Big Joes Burgers, a sports bar near campus. It was our second dinner as just the two of us and a lot less tense than the last one. Afterwards we went for a walk around the university. The campus was surprisingly beautiful at night when no one was around. When we got back to my place we cuddled up on the couch and watched a movie until we both began to nod off. "I'll sleep here tonight," he said, sliding his hands over the leather when I stood to head towards my bedroom. "I know you said you wanted to take it slow and I respect that."

  "Well, we already shared a bed on New Year’s, I think we're past respectable sleeping arrangements," I teased. "Come on, we are adults. I think we can control ourselves," I said, holding out my hand to lead Him down the ha
ll.

  And we did. We kissed and cuddled in my freshly washed sheets until we both drifted innocently off to sleep. It was the first time since The Bastard that I wasn't running out the door at sunrise after a night alone with a guy. Instead, I basked in the relief and comfort of His arms until almost lunchtime when our rumbling stomachs forced us to get up.

  The next day, Thursday, I showed Him around town and took Him to all of my favorite hangouts. We ate lunch at The Big Cheese, a small, locally owned pizza joint where you can write your name in permanent marker all over the walls and tables and home of the famous “Pizza Spuds” (a baked potato topped with marinara sauce, cheese and pepperoni). Our old, wooden table was tagged with hundreds of names, initials and dates, but right in the center were the words, Julia and Tony 2gether 4ever 1/3/98. “Hey that’s today, only ten years ago.” I said, pointing to the marking. “You think they’re still together?” I asked.

  “Well, it does say forever,” He grinned.

  “I think some people’s definitions of forever get a little lost in translation.”

  “Well, when I make the promise of forever, I mean it.” He said this looking directly into my eyes. My soul. Shivers danced down my spine and I nervously looked away and down at the speckled tile floor.

  “Our spuds are here,” He said, snapping me out of my trance.

  Later that day, He went with me to the bookstore to get everything I would need for the semester and even offered to pay for a few things. I declined graciously, of course. My parents had already put money in my checking account for this month’s rent, books and other first-of-the-semester necessities. I noticed a “Now Hiring Part-time Employees” sign hanging in the window of the Mad Dog Bookshop so I asked the manager for an application. I guess it couldn’t hurt if I made a little of my own money, I thought. He also encouraged me to apply by saying it would look good on my resume, and I couldn’t help but agree.

  All day long I couldn’t shake the strange, yet amazing, feeling that I got walking around town, hand-in-hand with Him. I felt completely comfortable and at ease. No drama. No games.

  By Friday afternoon the campus was booming to life again with students getting back from their winter vacations and transfer students frantically trying to get their schedules ready for Monday. I was really glad that I got everything taken care of the day before. I had taken Him to lunch and dinner at the only two restaurants worth a damn in my small college town, to the movies at one of the world's smallest movie theaters and to The Rec Room, a billboards hall where we played pool and darts with the locals. I was trying to come up with something fun for us to do that night when He offered up a plan.

  "I know all of the fun that you have here isn't always this PG. I've seen your Facebook pics," he laughed. "Not that I'm not having fun, but don't you want to go out to a party or a bar or something before school starts up again?"

  I had already thought about this, but a party was definitely out of the question, because the only party I knew of was The Neighbors' “Back to School Bash,” and I was not taking him there. I shuddered at the thought of Him being mixed in with all of my past Conquests (I had shared a lot with Him over the past couple of years, but there were some things even I was embarrassed to admit).

  But even worse, I didn't want a run-in with Judd. It wasn’t that I was worried about my emotions when it came to Judd, because being with Him, like a real couple, these past few days and even over the entire break helped me to put that tumultuous fling out of my memory. I couldn't help thinking when we were strolling from building to building on campus, holding hands and making each other laugh, that this was what it was supposed to feel like. No, I was worried what He might do after a couple of drinks when He realized who Judd was and that he was the one responsible for so many of my tears.

  I could take him to Whiskey Sours and have him meet some of The Girls. I knew Judd wouldn't be there and miss a Back to School Bash with his boys. I just hope I hadn’t earned a reputation as Slut on a Mission from my previous outing there with Mama's Boy. "Well, there's a country bar I could take you to. They have really good specials and it should be kind of low key since tomorrow night is the big night to go out before school starts," I offered.

  "Perfect."

  January 4, 2011

  Whiskey Sours was not quite as low key as I had advertised, but it wasn't nearly as crowded as it was on Dead Day. I called up The Girls that were already back in town and had them meet us there at 10:00. A couple of them brought their boyfriends and I was thankful for that. I didn't want Him to be stuck at a table with my single girlfriends bringing guy after guy over trying to land one for the evening.

  The drink specials that night were two-dollar domestic draught beers and two-dollar well liquors and we took full advantage. My poison of choice was Bacardi Rum and diet coke while His was Miller Lite on tap, and after about the fourth round we were both starting to feel its effects.

  I kindly declined the few dance offers from familiar cowboys and beamed as He stood close, with His arm draped naturally over my shoulders, winking at me when I "crushed their dreams," as He put it. So far the two of us hadn't danced at all though and I thought maybe this was due to the shy side of Him that I knew so well. In all of our years as friends I had never seen Him dance, but everyone in Texas could two-step.

  When the alcohol finally gave Him the courage, He grabbed my hand to lead me onto the dance floor. I swear I could feel His fingers trembling. Aww, he nervous, I thought. At first He was cautious and taking His time with each step, and I was doing my best to hold back with the slower pace. It wasn’t that He was a bad dancer, He was just different than most of the cowboys that came to this place.

  Their primary concern was usually to show off their spins and dips and to see how long their hands could get away with a very public fondling of my ass. His hands; however, felt warm and gentle on the small of my back and interlocked out to our side. He wasn’t putting on a show for anyone, He was there, in the moment with me, taking it all in like there was nowhere else in the world that He would rather be. When that song ended and the next began, He didn’t miss a step. It was Neon Moon by Brooks and Dunn and I couldn’t help but smile up at him when I heard the familiar tune.

  “This is one of your heartbreak songs,” he stated.

  “Yeah, it is, but now when I hear it I just think of you. I don’t think about being hurt or broken, I think of that night at Mama Rina’s and the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me.” He bent down to softly kiss my lips and my knees instinctively weakened a bit. My mind was swimming. My stomach was fluttering. And yet, I think I was having one of those moments of clarity that I’ve read about in novels and seen in movies. “I think I need a break and some air,” I said as the song was ending.

  “Do you want me to come with you?” He asked.

  I paused briefly. Normally, this is where I would say “No thanks, I’ll be right back.” This was the part of the night that I usually left my dance partners at the table or with some other girl so that I could smoke a cigarette alone and clear my head. But I didn’t need to clear my head. I knew exactly what I wanted and somewhere, deep down, I think I always knew. “Yes, I want you with me,” I answered as I took his hand in mine and led Him outside to the patio.

  When we got back to my crappy apartment that night, or morning rather, it was already around 2:15, but neither of us were tired. The cheap alcohol was still coursing through our veins creating a sexual energy that was nearly tangible by our second dance together. We turned on the TV in my bedroom and I curled up on His bare chest while my fingers absentmindedly stroked the hard lines of his stomach just above the waistband of his shorts. That was what he had slept in for the past two nights; athletic shorts and nothing else, and it was all that I could do to keep my hands off of Him. My self-control was diminishing by the second.

  He grabbed my wandering hand and pulled it up to His cheek, grazing my palm with his lips as it passed. I let my fingers sweep the stubbled sur
face and then glide up to wrap in His light brown locks. He grabbed my other hand then and brought it up to the opposite side so that my hands were framing His face as He skillfully slid His body completely over mine. He was hovering above me with His forearms holding His body up for support, and His legs were on either side of my hips as I continued to admire the caramel in His eyes with my hands tangled in His hair. He kissed me lightly, once, and then His eyes met mine again, only this time there was something other than desire there. He looked…puzzled.

  “Is something wrong?” I asked hesitantly.

  “No not at all. I was just thinking….” He trailed off.

  “What were you thinking? Anything I can help you out with?” I let out a nervous giggle.

  “It’s just… these past few days that I’ve spent with you have been better than I ever could have dreamed. And trust me, I’ve dreamt about this plenty,” He said with a wink. “And as I was looking at you just now, with your hands in my hair and your perfect lips patiently waiting for me to take them in mine I couldn’t help but think, who in their right mind would ever think that you’re not worth it?”

  I was touched to the point of speechlessness until finally I was able to whisper, “thank you,” but my voice was so weak that I doubt He even heard me. Tears stung my eyes and I tightened my grip in His hair and then pulled His head down towards me so that my lips could meet His. I parted them to let Him in and His tongue sensually massaged mine, and all of a sudden it was as if there was a direct line from my mouth to that eager spot deep in my core. I spread my legs farther apart so that He could slide His hips between them and closer to my body until I could feel all of Him through the thin fabric of my cotton shorts.