Silent Flutter (The Butterfly Series) Read online

  "Quinn! What's up Firework? You at the party?" He was shouting over multiple male voices nearby and sounded like he had had one too many drinks wherever he was prior.

  "Yeah, I'm here. But I'm thinking about heading home soon. It's not much fun tonight."

  "No, stay there! I'm on my way back from the Rifle Club's Annual Banquet and I was going to have my buddies drop me off over there." Was he begging?

  "I don't know, Judd. How far away are y'all? I'm getting pretty tired."There you go, Quinn, sound uninterested.

  "We're only about fifteen minutes away. Please, Q, for me? I really want to see you." Ok, now he is definitely begging.

  "Ok, J. But only for a bit longer." I hung up the phone, refilled my half empty plastic cup and headed out front for a smoke break. I was sitting on the concrete step just outside of the front door, picking at the frayed edges around the strategically placed holes in my jeans when I noticed a hint of the scar on my right knee peeking out beneath the worn denim.

  When I was four years old my mom told me repeatedly, "Quinn Lizabeth, if you don't stop jumping on that bed you are going to fall and break your neck!" But like any other ill-minding child, I did not heed my mother's advice. I loved the invincible rush of feeling like at any moment I could take off in flight just like Wendy on her journey to Never Land. Most girls my age wanted to be Cinderella, but I didn't see the glamour in enduring uncomfortable, glass heels just so some man whose family probably wouldn’t approve of the real me anyways. I wanted to be whisked away in my pajamas in the middle of the night on an adventure that encouraged me to be young forever.

  I didn't break my neck like Mom said I would, but I have a long, thin scar on my right knee from where the cracked wooden footboard scraped it on my way down. I had to get six stitches and I remember it hurting badly, but I was much more afraid of the inevitable “I told you so” lecture from my mother. That scar was a permanent lesson etched in my skin and a constant reminder of three things: listen to your mom, she's the smartest woman on Earth, sometimes danger wears the mask of fun and beds do not come standard with Tinker Bell's magic dust. And just like the thin jagged line on my knee, there were scars left on my heart from every break and permanent lessons to learn from these scars. The Bastard left the most recent scar; reminding me to pay closer attention to the dulling of a flame and to stop ignoring the signs of an impending end.

  About ten minutes passed and a green Dodge truck filled with five loud, tipsy guys pulled up to the curb blaring Johnny Cash out of the open windows. Judd hopped out of the cab of the truck and slapped the driver on the back on the way down. A man's “thank you” and “goodbye” all in one gesture. "Don’t you know those things will kill you?" He shouted up at me from the street. I stubbed my cigarette out on the sidewalk as he sauntered up to me. He was definitely a bit tipsy. He plopped down in the grass next to me, the roadie beer he traveled with in hand.

  "Don't you know drinking and driving will kill you?" I mocked in my most Judd-like tone.

  "Don’t worry, Darlin',” he drawled, “I had a DD for the night. I was just riding and drinking. Totally harmless." He nudged me with his shoulder and smiled His Smile, urging the already quivering wings. I wonder if he truly knows what he does to me.

  He stood up from the grass, wobbling just a bit and held his hand out for me to grab for support. We went back into the party and I mustered up as much energy as possible, and eventually played a couple of rounds of Beer Pong with Judd as my undefeated partner. Each time one of us made a cup of beer with the hollow white ball, we’d jump up and high-five the other, and every now and then Judd would slap my ass, mimicking a coach congratulating one of his players. My hand and my ass tingled with pleasure after each touch from Judd. I was starting to enjoy myself and the party when he pulled me into Our Hallway. "It's been a while since we've been here" he grinned down at me.

  “Too long,” I whispered. And just as I was lifting up on my toes to touch my fervent lips to his, he placed both hands on my shoulders, lowering me until my feet were flat against the tile floor once again. Oh my gosh, he’s rejecting me AGAIN, I panicked. Just as I was about to flee he bent down to whisper in my ear.

  "You think you could give me a ride home? I hate crashing here after a party this big. Everything always smells like stale beer and I feel like those beds and couches need to be sanitized before they're safe to sleep on." He finished off his request with that Earth-shattering grin and sexy, signature wink. Who could say no to that?

  "Yeah, I suppose I could do that. You ready now?"

  "Let's ride, Firework!"

  Judd's townhouse was about fifteen minutes from The Neighbors house. I drove cautiously all the way there since I had been drinking a bit, and because I was really enjoying this alone time with him in my car. When we pulled into his driveway I wasn't sure whether or not I should turn the car off (I didn’t want to presume anything) so I put it in park and left it running and then turned in my seat to look at him. He was smiling at me and his cheeks were the same adorable shade of pink as the first night I met him. "So, you want to come in and watch a movie or something?" He asked quietly, almost inaudibly. Is he being shy? This is a new side to the Mr. Confident that I know.

  “Sure." I said with a casual shrug of my shoulders, even though internally I was jumping up and down like a pre-teen at a Justin Beiber concert.

  When we got inside he pushed some buttons on the DVD player and the TV came to life with the title screen for The Italian Job. My palms began to sweat as I stood nervously by the door, unsure of where I should sit or how I should interpret this late night movie date. Then he turned and sat in the large leather recliner in front of the entertainment center. Why didn’t he sit on the couch so I could sit with him? Maybe we really are just going to watch a movie, I thought disappointedly. I walked over to the empty sofa and curled up on the very edge against the cold leather facing the now playing movie.

  My eyes were fixed on the screen, simulating interest when Judd finally spoke. "What are you doing way over there?" he asked sincerely. All I could do was stare back at him puzzled. His choice of seat is so confusing, not to mention he didn't kiss me in Our Hallway earlier nor have we even spoken in over two months. He reached his hand out towards me, "get over her Quinn Liz." I placed my trembling hand in his and he grabbed it, pulling me towards the recliner until I landed on top of his lap facing the TV. My back settled hard against his chest as he wrapped his arms around me comfortably, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Meanwhile, the butterflies were threatening to escape from my gaping mouth.

  We watched the movie in silence for a little while, just enjoying the feeling of each other’s touch. I trailed my fingers lightly over his forearms resting firmly around my waist. I leaned my head back and nestled it into the curve oh his neck and breathed him in. He smelled intoxicating: like leather and whiskey and Giorgio Armani cologne.

  "Turn towards me, I wanna see you" he whispered in my ear. His steamy breath on my neck sent chills over the entire surface of my body within seconds. He grabbed my waist and spun me around with ease so I was face to face with him, my legs now straddling his lap and my knees pressing firm into the leather. This was the most compromising position we'd ever been in and we weren't even kissing yet. For a moment we just looked into the others' eyes, grinning like teenagers as I wrapped my arms around his neck, crossing my wrists behind him. He had his hands gripping lightly to my hips while his smoldering eyes remained locked on mine.

  The innocence was replaced by fire in seconds. "Did I mention you look really hot tonight, QLB?" His words tickled the base of my neck where his lips were now trailing kisses along my jaw. All I could do to answer was mutter incomprehensible sounds because his mouth felt all too good on my bare skin. The trail led by his tongue voyaged from my collar bone, up to my neck, along my jaw and landed finally and firmly on my anxious lips.

  He kissed me slowly and sensually until his tongue begged my mouth to open, and it did willingly
. I sucked on his bottom lip and licked up his neck to his ear. He let out the sexiest, low moan in between deep breaths when my tongue and teeth grazed the tender part of his lobe. His hands ferociously explored their way down my body. He reached the top of the deep V in my tank top and stopped to glide the back of his index finger lightly along the swell of my cleavage, and then continued his hands down further. He gripped tightly on my hips, once again, with fistfuls of the stretchy black fabric gathering in his hands. As if he couldn’t take it any longer, in one swift motion Judd stood up with my legs wrapped tightly around his waist. I could feel his lust for me pressing hard against my jeans as he walked. He carried me this way up several stairs to his bedroom, stumbling a bit as we devoured each other with each step.

  Once in his room he didn't bother to turn on any lights, and I was grateful for that. This was the first time he would actually see me naked and the self-conscious side of me liked that it was dark. He threw me on my back on top of his bed and practically pounced on top me so that we could continue exploring every inch each other. At first we just continued to hungrily entangle our tongues until he moved his way back up to the most sensitive parts of my neck. While nibbling the lobe of my ear and licking lightly just beneath it, his hands made their way down my shoulder to the strap of my tank top.

  Without hesitation he ripped the strap half way down my arm revealing the thin black and pink lace that barely covered a thing. Thank, God I wore this instead of the white, cotton number I’ve been donning lately, I thought to myself. The lace tickled the sensitive skin beneath it and made me squirm and writhe in anticipation of his caressing fingers and lips. My fancy choice of under garments obviously caught his eye because he looked up at me, his eyes burning with excitement and that wide grin spreading across his cheeks. He kissed his way eagerly down my neck to the edge of the lace and then kissed the exposed skin of my breast, his own body growing harder and pressing into my thigh beneath him. I let out an incorrigible moan of pleasure and dug my fingertips deeper into his back to pull him to the spot beneath the lace that was most eager for his touch.

  At that he pulled the other strap of my tank top down, but it wasn’t enough. Quickly, he ripped my top over my head and slung it off of me and onto the floor as if it were burning my skin. I followed his lead. Judd’s pearl snaps ripped apart effortlessly when I tugged down the middle of his sexy, gray button down, the one he was wearing the very first night in Our Hallway. He peeled it off the rest of the way as I explored the muscular contours of his chest rising and falling hard above me with my fingertips.

  Growing impatient, we both fumbled with the buttons and zippers of our jeans and slid them down to a point where we could kick them away with our feet. His fingers made a trail down my neck, over my chest and down my stomach leaving a burning sensation in their path. Then he stopped to tease the area just beneath the edge of my lacy thong before plunging his long, thick fingers deep inside me, making me gasp for air. I moaned from the instant pleasure and the anticipated release from months of building up to this moment, but I knew deep down that I didn't want to get my full release this way, no matter how enjoyable. I was rocking against his hand and getting closer and closer to that magical moment that I knew he was close to bringing me to, but I stopped him by putting my hand on his chest and pulling my lower body slightly away so that his skillful fingers were no longer inside of me. My body ached at the sudden emptiness, but I wanted it from him, all of him!

  "I want you, Judd. All of you!” I whimpered, to answer his questioning eyes. He slid my thong down my thighs and over my ankles and tossed it somewhere into the dark. Then he let himself out of his own boxer briefs and deftly slid on protection while I waited until he positioned himself on top of me once again. Finally, he buried himself deep inside me, inch by pleasurable inch.

  He began by rocking very slowly, delicately; his light kisses matching the movements of his hips, but as our tongues grew wilder so did his thrusts. The ache and need to let go around him was almost too much, and just as I was about to let my body take over my mind, he flipped us over so that I was on top of him, raising and lowering myself to a rhythmic beat. He unclasped my bra with one hand and slid the straps down my arms until it was all the way off and I was fully exposed to him. "Oh my God, you're beautiful," he breathed, and at that I bent down to kiss him hard and passionately while he thrust his way deeper inside of me. Our tongues tangled feverishly as the motion got harder and harder until we both finally erupted in sweet orgasmic release and I collapsed on top of him.

  Our dewy skin melted into one as we lay there unmoving until our breathing and racing hearts evened out. After moments of quiet euphoria in the afterglow of amazing sex, I slowly eased myself off of his body and rolled over to lie beside him, my arm draped across his chest. He stroked the skin on my lower back until finally we both found sleep in our exhaustive state. Inner-me was right, I was in trouble.

  Somewhere in my amazing-sex-induced coma I made a transformation. I collapsed beside him that night as New Quinn, wanting something deeper and more meaningful with Judd than I had ever wanted with any of the Conquests, but when the sun came peeking through the blinds the next morning I felt an all-too-familiar sense of panic and an urgency to flee his bed just as I had done so many others. I looked to my right and saw that Judd's normally hard set jaw was now resting peacefully, softly, and his bare chest rose and fell in slow, regular patterns. I wanted to reach across and touch all of the places that my hands explored just hours before, but something inside was holding me back.

  My girlfriends' words were running on repeat through my mind: “Judd Vaughn is a PLAYER, who does not want to be tied down to one girl!” and Inner-me was screaming,Get up! You have to go, NOW! They were right, I needed to go. I needed him to think that I felt just as casually about last night as he probably did, and with that, I meticulously slid one leg off the bed and then the other until I was sitting upright on the edge, my feet dangling off. Judd didn’t even stir. If this meant more to him, like it did for me, then he’ll prove it, I thought, as I glanced back at him once again. And if it didn’t, then I’m protecting myself from the rejection that’s sure to come when he wakes.

  With as little movement as possible I pressed my palms into the mattress on either side of my bare thighs and lifted myself onto floor. I found my bra, jeans and tank top but the matching thong must've been slung somewhere else when he frantically tore it off in that frenzied moment of desire, because it was nowhere to be found. I didn’t have time to search for it, and I didn't want to risk waking him so I clumsily got dressed as I descended the stairs (sans thong) and out of the front door. I shut it with as little force as necessary and got in my car to take me back to my crappy apartment. When I slammed the door of my Malibu and shut myself in, I finally felt the weight of our night together and having to leave him this morning come crushing down on me.

  During the drive home my thoughts were clouded by moving images of my incredible night before: Judd's perfect fingers teasing me, my nails digging into the hard muscles of his back, his tongue entangled with mine, and those firm, full lips making their way along my outstretched neck and across my quivering body. And then entered thoughts of alarm, thrill, confusion and something else… sadness?

  Why sadness? Old Quinn never felt even a trace of sadness after dashing from a Conquest's bed. Old Quinn never even felt regret. Pull yourself together, Girl! But for some reason these foreign emotions were now flooding my mind and it was all too much to sort through before seven AM. So I turned up the radio as loud as I could and let Beyoncé drown out any unwelcome thoughts about Judd and sex and feelings for the remainder of my drive home.

  My retreat from reality was brief though because an hour later my cellphone buzzed on the night stand next to my bed. I removed the blaring headphones from my ears and picked it up to read the text message:Where'd you run off to Q? I was gonna make my famous eggs and pancakes for u. Oh and thanks for the souvenir. I found your thong ;)


  Made famous by whom? I thought. All of the Groupies that took their one night's turn in Judd Vaughn's bed and then were fed pancakes that they’d surely run ten miles on a treadmill to work off?

  Jealousy: another foreign emotion for me when it came to the guys that I bedded.

  I replied to his text:Sorry, I have a paper due Tuesday and I wanted to get a jump on it.

  I lied. But I couldn't say what I really wanted to: Don't worry about it, J. Last night was better than I’ve had in my entire life and I feel things for you that I never have before but I promise it doesn't mean that I think I'm your girlfriend or anything. Carry on your merry, single, Player ways. Oh, and add my thong to the rest of the souvenirs that you've collected.

  No, I couldn't say that…. so, I lied.

  Judd seemedto believe the lie, because he replied:Oh, ok that’s cool. Well hopefully I'll see you again soon. I'm glad you gave me a ride home last night ;)

  Me too. Was all I sent back.

  But I didn't see Judd again anytime soon. I avoided The Sub during peak lunch hours and skipped the next few parties at The Neighbors. He hadn’t tried to see me, call me or even text me, so I took that at face value. It was a one-night-stand. I couldn't be around him until I figured out what he really wanted, what that night meant to him and how to control my wandering thoughts about more naked explorations. He hadn’t given any indication that he felt the same about Our Night as I did. I also needed to get a handle on my own feelings because they were both alien and frightening. I hadn’t had feelings, real feelings, for a guy since The Bastard and we all know how well that turned out.