Silent Flutter (The Butterfly Series) Read online

  A little while later I started to get the occasional,Where you been Quinn? OrWhat up QLB? text messages, but nothing that answered any of my questions or gave even a hint about how he was feeling. I assumed those texts were his segues into a booty call, and I wasn’t ready for that. I couldn’t treat the situation like I would any other and show up at his house in the middle of the night for a rendezvous and then head home like it was nothing.

  And then it hit me; that was my answer. He felt for me exactly what he felt for all of the other girls on campus: Nothing. I was just another page in his play book. I was sitting around waiting for what? A grand gesture? Then and there, sitting in British Lit. 201, looking down at his last, purely empty text, devoid of any hidden meanings or hints of affection, is where I decided to put that night three weeks in the past where it belonged: in the past.

  For the remainder of the fall semester of my junior year I kept myself busy with school, plenty of "girls only" nights out at the local bars for drinks and dancing and traveling back and forth to different cities in Texas to visit my old "posse" from high school at their chosen universities. I steered clear of any baseball related parties and any accidental run-ins with JWV. I also tried my damnedest to steer clear of any itinerant thoughts about Judd, even though the countless naughty dreams about him made it very clear that this was not going to be an easy task, and that he still occupied the majority of my subconscious.

  I went back home for a week during the Thanksgiving holiday and only had to make it three more weeks after that until the end of finals and the start of Christmas break. Then I would be free of all things Judd because I planned on leaving my crappy apartment for that entire month in order to go spend time with my family and old friends in my hometown. Last Christmas vacation I went home after an exciting MOS in the backseat of his truck and my only concern was getting back for more. Well this year, I was not only keeping on a Judd-free path, but I was also going on a Conquest-free path and I was really starting to feel good about it and proud of my new found will power when it came to guys and sex. But doesn't everyone stray from their self-constructed paths eventually?

  December 9, 2010

  The Friday before finals week was known as Dead Day, because no classes were held in order to give students a whole day to study and prepare for the upcoming week, known as, Hell Week. Most students; however, myself included, used this day to nurse a massive hangover brought on by the intense partying done the night before as a final blowout and release of tension before the start of Hell Week. Dead Day parties were thrown in houses, apartments and bars all over my small college town and my girlfriends and I were not about to miss out on one of the biggest party days of the year.

  Myself and four other girls got ready in my crappy apartment that night: every electrical outlet was occupied by hair dryers and flat irons, makeshift make-up stations were set up in my bathroom, bedroom and at my kitchen table and slut gear was chaotically strewn about on the bed, floor and over the backs of chairs in preparation for the night's events. Our chosen destination for the evening was a bar called Whiskey Sours. They were cashing in on a chance to make a large profit by promising "dollar tequila shots every hour on the hour" and a live country band. This was one of my favorite bars because of their "Texas-sized dance floor" and no shortage of talented cowboys waiting to two-step me around it.

  Also, this was the one place that I was sure I wouldn't run into Judd. "I’m more of a house party kind of guy. Bars aren't really my thing and I don't see the point in spending four dollars for a beer when I can buy a case of thirty for fifteen bucks and drink it over here," he once told me during one of our make-out sessions after I invited him to join me the next time I went out.

  By nine- thirty The Girls and I were dressed in our "country slut gear” consisting of mini denim skirts, button down shirts tied up just above our navels, and an assortment of different colored cowboy boots. We had the perfect buzz from drinking my famous "pre-party mixed drinks" and were anxious to celebrate Dead Day.

  Whiskey Sours was already in full Dead Day swing by the time we arrived at around ten til' ten. The band was playing a cover of Dierks Bentley's, Come a Little Closer, and already there were partners moving flawlessly to the rhythm around the large wooden dance floor. Around 11:30 I was feeling flushed from dancing with three different cowboys to a mix of covered country songs and with my Girls to the DJ's choice of "party songs" like The Cupid Shuffle and Ms. New Booty during the band's twenty minute intermission.

  I had also already taken two "dollar tequila shots" and chased them down with a couple of vodka tonics. My cheeks were flushed and the hair along my forehead was beginning to dampen with sweat, so I stepped outside onto the fenced-in patio designated for smokers to get some air and have a cigarette. After a minute or two of taking in the fresh air, I looked up to the sound of tires rolling into the parking lot. The tires belonged to a big, white Ford truck that pulled in and around the building to find an empty space.

  My heart rate sped and my stomach fluttered at the thought of it being Judd. I didn't get a good look at the driver, but one thing I knew for certain; there was a girl riding shotgun. That unfamiliar feeling of jealousy started to rise, causing my heart to race even more; leaving an acidic taste on my tongue.

  Calm down, Quinn. Inner-me chided. You don't even know if it was Judd; every guy in this town drives a damn truck, and even if it was, you are SO over that drama. It’s been over three months since you've seen him, and… My inner pep talk was interrupted by the sound of feet shuffling in the gravel to my left. I turned my back to the lot so that I was facing the entry door to the bar and a group of guys crowded around it asking each other "Did you see that hot girl I just danced with? I’m totally gonna hit that?" I tried to inhale my smoke as quickly as possible and blend in with this group of desperate guys. As soon as I was finished I would escape back inside to merge with the rest of the Dead Dayers and rejoin The Girls to forget all about the white Ford. But I wasn't quick enough.

  "Quinn? Don't you know those things'll kill ya?" My heart zipped at the sound of his voice and I held my breath, afraid to exhale for fear that hundreds of tiny butterflies would come fluttering out.

  "So I've heard," I started to reply playfully as I turned around to face the source of that familiar, sexy voice, but my breath caught and my words came to an abrupt halt when I saw Judd walking towards me; his fingers interlocked with a girl whom I'd never seen before.

  I just stood there, staring, with a look of utter shock and fluster on my face. I had to force my eyes from their knitted fingers and up to their faces. I had never seen him holding anyone's hand before: he certainly never held mine. The bitter taste returned and I was forced to choke it back and forced to compel my expression to fade from one of shock to a semblance of a smile as I blew out the smoke that I hadn’t realized I was still holding from my last intake.

  "Quinn, this is Erica. Erica, this is Quinn, a umm… friend of mine. Ouch. I never expected the word "friend" to feel so much like a punch in the ribs. She held out her perfectly manicured, slender hand for me to shake with a gorgeous smile lifting on her lips. "I'm Erica, Juddy's girlfriend."

  Juddy? Girlfriend? Since when did he have a girlfriend? Since you stopped giving a Fuck about him or what he was doing after he got what he wanted from you and didn’t come back for more! Inner-me was in full-on, protective bitch mode now. I took Erica's hand and lightly shook it, never breaking eye contact with Judd. "I’m Quinn. Well, my friends are waiting so I better get back in there." I said, releasing her hand and stubbing out my cigarette on the concrete with the toe of my pink boot. Judd gave me an apologetic look right before I turned to go back inside.

  "Hopefully we'll see you in there," he called to my escaping back.

  Once inside, I made a beeline for the bar and ordered a double vodka tonic, sucking it down through a straw like it was water and I was going on my fourth day in the desert. I immediately ordered another and sucked back almost half of it b
efore returning to the table at the back behind the dance floor where The Girls were sitting and flirting with a group of very sexy cowboys.Good, a distraction. That’s exactly what you need! I set my drink down on the tall wooden table top and was about to sit on the only empty barstool, when one of the cowboys in a baby blue button down shirt, ripped jeans and expensive-looking caramel colored boots stood up and offered his hand to me, "Dance with me."

  "Yes," I answered placing my hand in his upturned palm.

  Inner- me was right; this was exactly what I needed: a distraction from the millions of irritating thoughts and questions swimming through my mind about my encounter with Juddy and his Girlfriend outside. He led me to the smooth floor and began our dance by twirling me around and then passing me behind his back so that I barely caught his hand in time to pull me close to him and wrap one arm tight around my waist. The other hand held my right hand firm yet gently out to our sides. We began our two-step to the band's cover of Life Ain't Always Beautiful, by Gary Allan and I couldn't help but think that I completely agreed with Mr. Allan. Then he got to the second half of the lyric, "but it's a beautiful ride" and that's where Gary lost me. So far, the "ride" had been a bumpy, unpredictable one where the queasiness definitely outweighed the nervous excitement.

  Baby Blue was a great dancer and not hard on the eyes either. His hair was dirty blonde and his eyes were a perfect match to his shirt that was pulled taut over his broad shoulders and muscular arms. He had his long sleeves rolled up casually to his elbows and even in the dim lighting I could see that his skin was sun kissed to a soft bronze hue.

  There was something lazy about his smile though. It went slightly slack on the left side and his teeth weren't all straight or pearly white either (I found that smiles were the first attributes that I compared to Judd’s since his was so perfectly flawless). He had a west Texas, good ol' boy charm to him and his accent, although not thick, had a sweet southern drawl to it. I was having a hard time concentrating on the actual words he was saying though, because every time he twirled me around I could see Judd leaning against the wooden railing that made up the perimeter of the dance floor, watching us dance like he was studying our steps.

  His girlfriend was at his side gabbing on and on about something, twirling her long dark hair absentmindedly around her finger, but Judd was ignoring her; all of his attention was focused on me and my dance partner. I could see his eyes locked on Baby Blue's hand pressed hard against the bare skin of my lower back, beneath the hem of my shirt, just above the top of my mini skirt. His stare at first was unwavering, but mild, until BB leaned in close and whispered something in my ear. His whiskey soaked breath tickled the skin on my neck causing me to toss my head back and giggle. J's gape hardened, darkened. Was he jealous of Baby Blue? Why was he watching us? Why is he ignoring his girlfriend?

  I was torn from my silent questions by another tickle on my neck. "Are you having a good time?" BB asked again, a bit louder this time.

  “Me? Oh, umm, yes. Great time!" I answered in my most convincing voice.

  "You seem a little distracted," he countered.

  "No, I'm not. I'm having a lot of fun. I'm just...it's getting kind of hot, I think I'm going to step outside for a bit."

  "Want me to come with you?"

  "No umm, I'll be right back. Just going to take a little break and I'll meet you back at the table," I smiled up at him. He released my hand and called after me as I exited the dance floor on the opposite side of Judd and his stare, "I'll get you another drink and see you back in a bit." He finished it off with an insinuating wink and I swear I could feel Judd’s blood racing from across the floor.

  I pushed through the heavy metal door leading to the patio and sucked in the cool breeze letting it fill my constricted chest. I was panting both from the dancing and from the nervous energy coursing through me. I pulled a cigarette out of my pack with my teeth and lit it quickly, sucking the nicotine deep into my lungs, letting it take over and calm me. I was just starting to relax when the metal door swung open and hit the wall, causing me to flinch. A group of loud, drunk girls piled out; followed by Judd.

  "Who's the cowboy?" he questioned, taking the seat next to mine.

  "Where's Erica?" I answered back.

  "She went to the ladies room. You know how that goes in places like this. Lines for the restroom are longer than the ones for a drink."

  "I thought you didn't come to places like this." I said, emphasizing his past words.

  "Erica passed on another Mad Dog house party. Said she wanted to go somewhere that she could get dressed up for."

  "Another party? So y'all have been together for a while then huh?" I asked, trying to sound as detached as possible.

  "Couple of months I guess. She goes to UTSA but she's transferring here next semester to play volleyball. I met her when she came down to visit the campus and meet with the coach. She went to high school with Angela and was staying at her place so she ended up at one of our parties that weekend." Angela: one of the perky breasted Groupies from Judd's birthday bash. Figures.

  "Cool," I shrugged my shoulders and sucked in another deep breath of smoke. I really did not want to hear about the romantic details of their courtship.

  "Why'd you stop coming around, Q? And answering my texts?" he shifted in his seat so that he was looking straight at me now.

  "I guess I got busy. School's getting tougher now that I'm deeper into my major. I figured it was time to cut out some of the partying." I hoped he believed the bullshit I was spewing.

  "Oh that’s bullshit, Quinn! I've seen your pictures on Facebook. You and The Girls out at a different bar every weekend." I guess he wasn't. "What's the real reason? Was it because of me? Because of our night together? Did I do something wrong"

  Our Night.That’s what I pathetically referred to it as in my head.Of course that’s why, you Jackass! "Oh don't flatter yourself, Judd. I haven't been sitting around pining for you if that's what you mean."Liar. "I just needed a change of scenery."

  "And the cowboy?" He asked again. "Is he your change of scenery?"

  "I haven't decided yet. But is that really any of your business? And why were you watching us dance?"

  He shifted his weight while coming up with his answer. "I just, I don't think he's the kind of guy you should let grope you all over the dance floor."

  Grope me! Is he serious? "Oh and what kind of guy should be groping me, J?" My words came out louder and with more bite than I intended but this conversation was starting to infuriate me.

  "Well, no guy should be. But especially not that drunken mama's boy in there," he said jerking his thumb back towards the door.

  "So now he's a mama's boy? You don't even know him!"

  "Neither do you!" he barked back at me. “And you're letting him put his hands all over you and his mouth on your neck in the middle of the dance floor."

  "Listen, Judd, it is none of your concern who I dance with or whose hands or mouth are on me. I think you should get back to your girlfriend, and I'm going to get back to Mama's Boy! Have fun tonight, Juddy, I know I will." I spit the words at him like a bad taste that I was trying to urgently extract from my tongue. And with that I stood quickly and flung open the door, leaving Judd on the patio, mouth agape and eyes wide with shock.

  As soon as I got back to the table I threw back a shot of tequila, finished off my now watered down vodka tonic, grabbed Baby Blue's hand and drug him out onto the dance floor. We danced to every song in the rest of the band's set and I tossed my hair, giggled at his corny attempt at jokes and bit my lip at all of the right times. Inner-me was cheering me on and encouraging this completely cliché and utterly obvious act of flirtation. When I was certain that Judd was once again fixated on us, I stretched up on my toes and tugged on BB’s bottom lip with my teeth. It was meant to be playful, but BB took it as the green light to swallow my tongue and slide his hand even lower on my back to where he was cupping my barely covered ass. I felt slutty and embarrassed putting on this el
icit display in the middle of Whiskey Sours, but my need to make Judd feel even an ounce of jealousy took over.

  At 1:45 AM when the DJ called "last call" over the speaker system, I whispered in BB's ear that I wanted to get out of there. My tone dripped in sex, implying that I wanted him to join me. He was all too eager and willing, practically dragging me out of the bar towards his truck. I wonder if Judd saw us leaving together. I hope so.

  The next morning I woke with a start, trying to get my bearings in this dark, unfamiliar room. My head was pounding and my stomach felt queasy; I looked down at the floor beside me and saw the baby blue button down crumpled up in a pile with my shirt and skirt and his ripped up blue jeans. Then memories from the night before came flooding back all at once.